Lately, I’ve had this Move-To-New-York Daydream. A close relative to this dream is the I-Want-To-Be-A-DJ Dream. Yes, a DJ. I’m beginning to think that I’m actually two people:
the a.r.w. #1 has recently become a Latin American Studies grad student. She’s into Human Rights, Politics and speaking Spanish. She feels generally inspired by education these days. She lives in a quiet little house, at the end of a quiet street, in the quiet of downtown Santa Fe. She usually puts on comfortable clothes/sweatpants around 5 p.m., makes a drink around 6, and writes in her journal or watches something on the internet. She stays home almost every night, with the exception of going to dinner once a week or so. She watches a lot of movies on the couch, glass of wine nearby. She’s endlessly nostalgic for the past and thinks about moving back to California, if only to be closer to her friends from “home.” She enjoys convenience — her car parked right outside her house; a washer and dryer (that doesn’t require quarters) on site; the library a short walk away. She wants to travel. She wants to visit places like Italy, Spain, Honduras, Amsterdam, Brazil and Ecuador. She saves her money diligently.
the a.r.w. #2 wants to move to New York City and work at some prestigious company — first it was the New York Times, then it was Rolling Stone, now it’s Amnesty International. She’s willing to live in a very small apartment that she cannot afford. She’s willing to not have easy access to a washer and dryer. She’s willing to let go of the peace and quiet she has appreciated in the desert. She’s willing to spend an obscene amount of money on this adventurous lifestyle — fancy restaurants, bars, clubs, dress clothes and high heels. She wants to walk home, late at night, among the dirty Manhattan (or, more realistically, Brooklyn) streets. She wants to moonlight as a DJ, spinning great records at loud, bright clubs with packed, sweaty dance floors. She blasts The Knife (thank you, Miss Bovary) in her headphones and takes frequent dance breaks while working her desk job (when no one is looking).
The two versions of myself are irreconcilable. I cannot be both the comfortable “Homebody” and the Manhattan “Party Girl.” This isn’t Sex and the City. This isn’t some MTV reality show. I’ve lived in cities before: Santiago, Chile for one year; Oakland, California for a few months. I wasn’t particularly fond of them. I like the silence of the desert. I like always having a parking spot outside my house. I like having a savings account that actually has money in it. I like riding my bike leisurely during the spring and summer. I like driving no more than ten minutes to a hiking spot. I like my personal space.
Why is it that, as soon as I begin graduate school and commit myself, with great passion, to a Master’s degree, I suddenly find my daydreams inundated with New York City?
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I used to dream of moving to NYC.. and then one year I went and realized JUST how hectic it really is and decided it wasn’t right for me.
Not to burst a.r.w. #2’s bubble, but there would also be teeth chattering temperatures half the year and heating bills worth hundreds of dollars. Just sayin’. Love the Party Girl reference.
I do get wanting the opposite of you’re working towards though.
thats like how the other day i decided that i should probably move to italy and start a life there instead. i mean, i speak a little bit of italian (ciao, baybe) and how could would it be for my little italian babies to have a mother with an english accent. i don’t know why i thought that would be cool. but i definitely did. and still do.
but i also have what other people would consider a great job and a cushy, comfortable lifestyle complete with a hybrid car and in-kitchen washer and dryer. which i enjoy, muchly. although my job keeps me so busy i can’t even consider pursuing what could be my other dreams without being fired at the same time.
oh, i also decided on monday i am going to be lead singer of a band at some point.
I feel like this all the time. I wish I could find a balance between moving to New Zealand to be a Wildlife Conservationist and moving to Vegas to Go Go dance at night. *sigh* Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?
I wish I had answers for you. I understand where you’re coming from though. I sometimes find myself imaging myself living a completely different life than the one I live despite the fact that I’ve very happy with my life. If it makes you feel any better, I used to live in NYC and still do part time (I’m from Long Island), and it’s not as glamorous and it’s made out to be. It’s hectic and expensive!
I love your dreams, why don’t you move to new york and work for a prestegious company and be a homebody during the week and be a DJ on the weekends?
Maybe your dreams are more do-able than you think, and if they aren’t why not try one on and see if it sticks? If it’s important to you, it’s always possible to try on another hat – and people who have are infinitely more interesting than the rest of us.
Having lived in two college towns since graduating from high school, I know for sure that I could never live in a large city. I’m a small town kid at heart.
Maybe you’re experiencing wanderlust?
I wrote a post awhile ago about Balance. About how I used to think that ‘balance’ meant eating your leafy greens, getting eight hours of sleep a night, and doing everything in moderation.
I suck at this.
Then I realized that my life does have Balance, but it’s of a different kind. I tend to live my life in seasons– a season of partying and indulgence, a season of hippie simplicity, a season of adventure, a season of comfort. My life is balanced, but my days are not.
Maybe this is how you are, too?
Or maybe your brain is just reacting rebelliously to your new commitment of grad school?
I could see it as a reaction to your newest commitment for sure but I also think that many people have these conflicting sides. I definitely do. The most disappointing thing to me is that as much as I want to be a big city girl, I prefer that homebody side with a few trips here and there. Maybe one day you can find a way of mixing both (or least spend a night as a dj in a big city).
The grass is always greener in a major metropolitan city… I think :)
There’s time for both! You might just have to move to New York. Maybe it will be a disaster or maybe it will be a great decision.
I secretly want to be a rock star, but since I can only play the clarinet and I’ve never written music and I can’t sing and I have stage fright, I don’t see it happening.
I can definitely see myself in the hectic bustle of NYC. I dream of living there because my brief experience there was just what I wanted.
I think that your dreams are inundated with NYC perhaps because — word on the street is — New York City is the greatest city in the world.
Just sayin’.
I lived in NYC for 4 years and though I thought I’d never leave by the time I left I was glad. The apartment I had the last year with roommates was almost unaffordable. I know people living in apartment the size of my current living room, and there are three of them. I miss some of it as my boyfriend lives there but overall not at all.
I think a lot of people have pieces of them which wish they were realizing a different dream. One dream at a time, you will get there, NYC isn’t going anywhere.
Perhaps one big change is making you think of even bigger ones? It’s possible.
I’ve always wanted to live in a big city even though, as you mentioned, I’d be giving up a lot to do so – I own my washer and dryer and would probably most miss that convenience, no lie. I still haven’t decided what I’ll do, but in the moment, this is where I’m happiest, so why change it up and risk ruining that?
I STILL dream of NYC. I feel like I should move there for a year or two, just to get it out of my system.
Its obvious what you need to do here….
move to nyc and become a dj. Only play latin songs though, that way, you’re not totally selling out.
CULO!
There’s nothing wrong with having dreams. You may just end up there one day. :)
I often fantasize about hoping on a freight train and being a wandering hobo. Is that a good thing?
haha, fabulous. if you # 2 takes over, i’m looking for a roommate for this brooklyn closet sized apt. good luck!
i’ve thought about up and moving too. there is something fun and crazy about it that i love. i have this thing that if i don’t feel fulfilled in cleveland when i’m 30 i’m moving somewhere and starting new.
I always wanna move there too, I guess it’s easier for you to do so than me though. :P
Because that is the very nature of daydreams– to be what you are not, and may never be, but you still wonder about. I am miss practicality, a lot like you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about the possibility of operating solely in short-term fashion for a while. I don’t know that I’d ever have the nerve to do it, though.
i can only go from my experience but when i was in college, there was this whole culture greatly encouraged by professors to move to New York! live the life! climb the ladder! join the rat race! maybe your school is infiltrated with that too.. personally, i hated it. :P
Buyer’s remorse maybe?
I’ve definitely dreamt of moving to NYC for a short while, too, and I think it would be wonderful. Until I start thinking of the logistics and realize my pup and I would be living in a box on the street. But hey, it could be fun!
I’ve had the same daydreams. Even though I know NY is a smelly, dirty city and that I would probably have a low paying job and a teeny tiny apartment…the dream continues. Nevermind that I’m stoked to be moving to VA to be with The Boy come May. I can’t quelch the feeling that at some point in my life residence in a major city is necessary…and most of the time my mind reverts back to NY.
Which for him, would be hell. He’s lived in a city. He’s “over it,” I’m a small town girl and I’m still seduced by the glimmer of a city that never sleeps.
Le sigh.
Oh I love the picture of the train passing by with all the motion. You blog is absolutely gorgeous! Love it!