Last night, I dreamt that I was on a plane to South America.
It’s been too long since I had an adventure — an out-of-the-country, speak-in-a-foreign-language, spend-way-too-much-money adventure. In less than a month, I will be on a beach in Mexico. Adventure? Definitely.
Nevertheless, I find myself waking up on this cloudy Monday morning with a sense of dissatisfaction. Reasons? 1. My job is neither challenging nor stimulating. The pay is wonderful, and the experience will be good (in a long-run sort of way), but working from home limits my social interaction and I miss feeling…exhilarated. 2. My friends are either a) broke or b) addicts (in many cases, both) which means that I no longer “fit” (I did, at one time, fit quite well. Or maybe I just fit enough. But now I don’t fit anywhere). 3. Numbers one and two mean more t.v. time, when I really should be doing something productive like reading or writing. 4. More t.v. time means that, when the week begins again, I just want to spend all day watching t.v. It’s like a downward spiral that simultaneously feels good and dangerously self-indulgent.
I’m not depressed. I’m not even really that unhappy. I’m just very dissatisfied.
Remedies? Graduate school, perhaps, if I get in. If not? Major revisions will ensue. The kind where drafts are tossed through the open window, words are crossed out and marked in red. The kind where I list goals and write myself notes like “More books, less t.v.” The kind where I reconsider the next two years, feel very lost and then, eventually, excitement..??..hope..??..optimism..??
A change has come. Even more change will be coming.
Today, it’s Sufjan Stevens (To Be Alone with You), Jose González (Crosses), Halloween, Alaska (All the Arms Around You), The Album Leaf (Eastern Glow), matt pond PA (New Hampshire), Ryan Adams (Wonderwall), pajamas and coffee.
{ 21 comments }
