…the almost right word

Every weekend, I make lists. Go swimming. Organize this. Clean that. Call her. Write him. Sometimes I write exclamation points!! Or stars** Today, I even wrote, “no choice!!” I can never do it all. I can never just relax, not think about it, and put one foot in front of the other. I can’t seem to get my bathing suit on, pull a sweatshirt over my head and go. I know that a swim would feel good. I know I should use the free time, take advantage of it. Soon my free time will be limited. Soon I’ll be highlighting text books, taking notes and driving back and forth to Albuquerque. I’m looking forward to it. But I won’t be able to just go for a swim. I won’t be able to read everyday or write in my journal at 5 o’clock, watch an episode of something entertaining and semi-mindless, and make a cocktail. I welcome this change in routine. I welcome the differences and the possibilities. But if I think my free time is limited now, just wait.

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives… not looking for flaws, but for potential.
– Ellen Goodman

Someday, I suppose, the shadows will be swallowed up in darkness. There is no way around it: my memory is growing ever more distant from the spot where Naoko used to stand — ever more distant from the spot where my old self used to stand. And nothing but scenery, that view of the meadow in October, returns again and again to me like a symbolic scene in a movie. Each time it appears, it delivers a kick to some part of my mind. “Wake up,” it says. “I’m still here. Wake up and think about it. Think about why I’m still here.” The kicking never hurts me. There’s no pain at all. Just a hollow sound that echoes with each kick. And even that is bound to fade one day. At the Hamburg airport, though, the kicks were longer and harder than usual. Which is why I am writing this book. To think. To understand. It just happens to be the way I’m made. I have to write things down to feel I fully comprehend them.

– Haruki Murakami

I am back from my first ever, true vacation. It involved a lot of beach-sitting, book-reading and Dos XX-sipping. I could not have wished for a better time.

Over the course of my week off, I thought a bit about the changes and decisions ahead of me. I thought about the blogosphere and my role in it, the possibility of Graduate School in the Spring and the direction in which I want my life to go. I wrote, a lot, about these changes and decisions, and I’ll probably share some of my writing in the coming weeks.

There may be some changes here, at …the almost right word. I don’t expect to write the same profile-like posts that I had gotten into the habit of publishing. I don’t expect to blog everyday, or participate (as much) in the Twittering world. You may think I’ve disappeared altogether. I think, sometimes, that perspective is the most important thing we can find in our lives. I think that my time in Mexico certainly helped me find a sense of perspective.

A friend recently wrote, in an email, “I have been thinking a lot about what happens when we are presented with hard choices and how we decide what to do. I keep wondering if the choice we make is ever really the wrong choice.  I don’t think there is a wrong choice for some reason.” This sentence captures the essence of where I am, in my life.  

As for Graduate School, I am, at this point, 98% decided that I will begin a Master’s Program in Latin American Studies at the University of New Mexico. I struggled with this decision, mostly because I always expected myself to be a writer, a journalist. I arrived at a recent realization, however, that we can be many things over the course of our lifetimes. For now, for the immediate future, I am unsure about my commitment to being a writer. Perhaps I need to take a different step in order to, later, arrive at an unexpected destination. I guess this is “my plan.” I guess my “process,” my “path,” will be conveyed in my blogposts.

For now, I leave you with a taste of Akumal, this post, and a bit from my journal:

…Maybe, no matter what, I’ll always be a writer. Maybe, even if I’m not a “journalist,” I’m still a “writer.” Our trip shook me so far out of my routine. How can I return to the same patterns, the same habits? I don’t want to be that person any more. I don’t want to waste any more time. I should take advantage of being accepted to this graduate program. I should see where it leads me. It may be the perfect opportunity to make some significant changes.

For the next week, I will be sipping margaritas on a beach located about one hour south of Cancún. I will not check voice messages. I will not read emails. I will not blog, nor see a computer for the entire seven days. I do hope that, when I return, inspiration will accompany me.

…¡Hasta!

I’ve been MIA lately and will be, even more so, next week when I’m on my way to Akumal, Mexico. Until then, here are a couple links for you to enjoy…

Style Rookie: Jamie at Oh! How Lovely! turned me on to this blog, written by a 12 year-old (yes, you read that right). It’s mostly a “fashion blog,” with a little of her personal flavor thrown in. I find it endlessly amusing. 

matt pond PA has released a free, digital EP appropriately titled The Freeep, which I discovered via I am Fuel, You are Friends. If you haven’t already heard matt pond PA, go check it out.

Enjoy your pumpkin pie.

Some good stuff around the interwebs lately…

Nilsa at SoMi began a movement, of sorts, which she called “BlogSecret” — “you write a secret and have it posted anonymously on someone else’s blog.” Nilsa notes, ”It is said (through the results of lots of research) that the simple act of writing about a secret is highly cathartic and has been found to have genuine health impacts up to several months later. But, what the research doesn’t say is it takes courage, lots and lots of courage to reveal something you’ve held close to your heart.” Nearly eighty bloggers responded to Nilsa’s challenge and the results all make for good procrastination reads. 

As a Southern Californian myself, I found In Which I’m Californified (courtesy of This Recording) to be hilarious and well-written. After living in L.A. for only one month, Meredith Hight reviews the city with great accuracy. Think L.A. Story. Think In-n-Out burgers, no parking and multiple freeways. Read. It.

Jamie at Oh! How Lovely! has started a discussion regarding blog annoyances and then she presents the flipside. The comments alone are worthwhile — It’s interesting to see what people hate about blogs. The number one annoyance seems to be a tie between partial feeds and light text on a dark background. Jamie’s blog has been recently profiled by Paste Magazine as “one who gets it.”

Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster  ”recycled” a post for Who’s Your Dauchsund. I’m not normally a dog blog fan, but A Year of Calvin: Part One is an irresistible story of bringing home a puppy for the first time, and the fear of fatherhood.  

And for a laugh, check out the two bloggers who were simultaneously named “Sexiest Man Alive” by People magazine.

I wake up, make my coffee and sit down at my desk. My work commute is a full four feet from my bed. I spend my entire day sitting in the same chair, staring out the same window, speaking to few. I both despise and need the solitary. 

I listen to my mixes. Broken Social Scene. Some Iron and Wine. Modest Mouse. The latest: Electric President.

I wonder where I’ll be in two months. I wonder where I’ll be in four years.

I swim almost every day now. I do laps in the community pool around the corner from my house. It is the only thing that clears my head. The only thing that makes me relax and feel whole. 

I wait, impatiently, to hear back from grad school. I convince myself that this is what I want, even though I have no idea.

“I’m thinking of a queer feeling I sometimes get, a feeling that I’ve got something important to say and the power to say it — only I don’t know what it is, and I can’t make any use of the power. If there was some different way of writing…Or else something else to write about…” He was silent; then, “You see,” he went on at last, “I’m pretty good at inventing phrases — you know, the sort of words that suddenly make you jump, almost as though you’d sat on a pin, they seem so new and exciting even though they’re about something hypnopædically obvious. But that doesn’t seem enough. It’s not enough for the phrases to be good; what you make with them ought to be good too.”

                              – Aldous Huxley

At the beginning of my college years, I discovered Pinback through the campus radio station. They had just released Summer in Abaddon and I was lucky enough to find their other albums at a local record store. I consumed their music much like I now consume spaghetti — I wanted it all day, every day. Some of my coworkers began to associate my music taste with Pinback alone. 

After recently hearing “Hard to Find,” The American Analog Set has become my new Pinback. Coincidentally, the two bands toured together in recent years. 

Originally, The American Analog Set, or AmAnSet, was formed in the mid-90s in Texas. When the band began, they had dreams of a Monkee lifestyle: they would all live, practice and record in one house. Needless to say, their neighbors weren’t as excited about this concept. Subsequently homeless and scattered across Texas, the band was offered an opportunity to tour with The Magnetic Fields which they happily accepted.

Over the past years, members have come and gone, rumors of disbanding have circulated, but AmAnSet has continued to produce a unique, mellow indie pop-rock sound. Rolling Stone believes they “can be credited with paving the way for Death Cab for Cutie, among others.” 

the a.r.w. recommends: “Hard to Find” from Promise of Love and “Punk as Fuck” from Know By Heart.

Last night, I dreamt that I was on a plane to South America. 

It’s been too long since I had an adventure — an out-of-the-country, speak-in-a-foreign-language, spend-way-too-much-money adventure. In less than a month, I will be on a beach in Mexico. Adventure? Definitely.

Nevertheless, I find myself waking up on this cloudy Monday morning with a sense of dissatisfaction. Reasons? 1. My job is neither challenging nor stimulating. The pay is wonderful, and the experience will be good (in a long-run sort of way), but working from home limits my social interaction and I miss feeling…exhilarated. 2. My friends are either a) broke or b) addicts (in many cases, both) which means that I no longer “fit” (I did, at one time, fit quite well. Or maybe I just fit enough. But now I don’t fit anywhere). 3. Numbers one and two mean more t.v. time, when I really should be doing something productive like reading or writing. 4. More t.v. time means that, when the week begins again, I just want to spend all day watching t.v. It’s like a downward spiral that simultaneously feels good and dangerously self-indulgent. 

I’m not depressed. I’m not even really that unhappy. I’m just very dissatisfied. 

Remedies? Graduate school, perhaps, if I get in. If not? Major revisions will ensue. The kind where drafts are tossed through the open window, words are crossed out and marked in red. The kind where I list goals and write myself notes like “More books, less t.v.” The kind where I reconsider the next two years, feel very lost and then, eventually, excitement..??..hope..??..optimism..??

A change has come. Even more change will be coming.

Today, it’s Sufjan Stevens (To Be Alone with You), Jose González (Crosses), Halloween, Alaska (All the Arms Around You), The Album Leaf (Eastern Glow), matt pond PA (New Hampshire), Ryan Adams (Wonderwall), pajamas and coffee.

It does restore some sense of faith in our democracy, some pride that, perhaps, we can elect a leader who represents the people. 

The best post I have seen today was at I am Fuel, You are Friends. The images alone represent my hope for our country and, dare I say, my pride. 

Thanks Nico for the image link.

Recount directed by Jay Roach — Remember the long past 2000 election in which we waited weeks to hear a verdict? This HBO film tells the story of what went on behind the scenes, while I was busy being a depressed freshman in college who hardly noticed that there was an election crisis on our hands. If, like me, you have vague memories of what transpired during those two months, this film is a must-see. The cast includes Kevin Spacey, Laura Dern, John Hurt, and Denis Leary, among others, and Jay Roach was also behind popular projects like “Borat”, “Meet the Parents,” “Austin Powers” and more. 

In addition to telling the story of this historical election, the film raises the controversial issue of election fraud, one which, coincidentally, as been discussed at length over the course of the past eight years and, more recently, in a Rolling Stone article titled “Block the Vote.” In 2002, the Help America Vote Act (HAVA) was passed in order to remedy the errors of the 2000 election. The goals of HAVA are, according to Wikipedia,

• replace punch card voting systems;
• create the Election Assistance Commission to assist in the administration of Federal elections; and
• establish minimum election administration standards.

When nearly two million ballots were discarded in 2000 (because they registered more than one vote, or no vote at all, when passed through the ballot reader), HAVA was created to give the American public peace of mind. However, as Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Greg Palast have determined in their article, 

…thanks to new provisions of the Help America Vote Act, the number of discounted votes could surge even higher…HAVA was corrupted by the involvement of Republican superlobbyist Jack Abramoff, who worked to cram the bill with favors for his clients…In practice, many of the “reforms” created by HAVA have actually made it harder for citizens to cast a ballot and have their vote counted. In case after case, Republican election officials at the local and state level have used the rules to give GOP candidates an edge on Election Day by creating new barriers to registration, purging legitimate names from voter rolls, challenging voters at the polls and discarding valid ballots.

“Recount” provides a look at the inescapable reality buried deep within our government and, unfortunately, the possibility that corruption and fraud are systemic truths. Perhaps, on certain occasions, your vote doesn’t count, despite the election rhetoric we have all grown accustomed to. Perhaps, no matter who wins today’s historical presidential race, the United States will face four years with a leader not chosen by the people, but by the system itself.

At only nine years old, she founded the Environmental Children’s Organization with her friends. Three years later, at age 12, Severn Suzuki stood at a podium and delivered one of the most memorable speeches at the 1992 Earth Summit in Rio de Janeiro. This particular United Nations conference marked the beginning of the Kyoto Protocol and Suzuki’s speech has received more than a million views on YouTube today. Years later, in 2002, Severn co-founded The Skyfish Project (which subsequently disbanded in 2004), a discussion-based website established in the hopes of promoting environmental awareness. 

Originally born in Canada, to parents Tara Elizabeth Cullis, an established writer, and David Suzuki, a geneticist and environmental activist, Severn graduated from Yale in 2002. Before graduating, she had already arranged to attend the World Summit on Sustainable Development in Johannesburg, South Africa as a member of Kofi Annan’s Special Advisory Panel. In anticipation of this event, The Skyfish Project drafted the Recognition of Responsibility, a letter that said, “Today I recognize that I am part of one of the most powerful countries in the world. My population is only a fraction of the globe’s population, yet we use far more resources. So today, I pledge to take responsibility for me lifestyle.” The main motivation behind this letter was Bush’ decision to abstain from attending the World Summit. In a 2003 interview, Severn said,

We were upset because George Bush wasn’t going to go–he was just starting to show the world that he didn’t care to be part of international negotiations. We wanted to show that he didn’t represent all Americans, and we came up with this idea of the Recognition of Responsibility.  

Five years later, as Americans look forward to the coming Bush-less years, Severn’s words remain intact, and even more necessary. Today, she travels the globe as an activist, speaker and author, continuing to promote sustainability and environmental activism. 

Check out the YouTube video and you’ll see Severn’s revolutionary ideals in action.

This post is the first of a new series in which I will be profiling various activists (Human Rights, Environmental, etc.).

Halloween, Alaska is yet another recent indie-type discovery from Minnesota (my first Minnesota discovery was Cloud Cult). This band, formed only five years ago and with a mere two albums under their belt, will be releasing their latest album sometime this year. Their website feels like a grassroots effort, but their sound is far from common. You can hear the Peter Gabriel influence, particularly in “All the Arms Around You” and “Des Moines,” two tracks from their debut, self-titled album. They’ve covered two popular songs, Bruce Springsteen’s “State Trooper” and LL Cool J’s “I Can’t Live Without My Radio,” putting an electro-pop feel on songs you’d never expect to be electro-pop. James Diers is the wacky frontman who alludes to Cylons and Storm Troopers while describing the band’s sound in a 2005 interview. 

Check out their MySpace page to give them a listen.

We’re all familiar with the iconic Obama poster originally designed by Shepard Fairey (who was actually arrested at the DNC). There are now online tutorials to make-your-own “Hope” poster. Here are some of the endlessly entertaining results, courtesy of Mother Jones’ The Riff. 

To see more, click here. 

Apparently Google has a more energy-efficient counterpart known as Blackle. Created by Heap Media, this black search engine site boasts a decrease in energy usage due to the simple fact that it isn’t white:

Image displayed is primarily a function of the user’s color settings and desktop graphics, as well as the color and size of open application windows; a given monitor requires more power to display a white (or light) screen than a black (or dark) screen.

The inspiration to create Blackle came from a blog post at ecoIron which claimed that “the shift to a black background…will save a total of 15 (74-59) watts. That turns into a global savings of…$75,000, a goodly amount of energy and dollars for changing a few color codes.”

Despite skepticism, and the obvious fact that this “green” search engine has not yet surged in popularity, Heap Media continues to seek improvements for Blackle and encourages every user to make the switch. In addition, they display an Energy Saving Tips page to help promote this environmentally-friendly consciousness. 

I was only recently told about Blackle’s creation and I’m eager to see how user-friendly this search engine really is. Critics state the clarity provided on a white Google page is lost on Blackle’s black background. 

What do you think? Experiment with Blackle here.

Redbelt directed by David Mamet – Chiwetel Ejiofor steals every frame of this film as Mike Terry, a jujitsu teacher struggling to pay the bills and maintain his sense of honor. When an unexpected event takes place within his own studio (involving Emily Mortimor), Terry is forced to make a difficult decision — enter a fighting tournament with the hopes of winning a sizable prize or give up his life of jujitsu instruction (I’m simplifying). 

You’re probably familiar with Ejiofor, whether or not you realize it — he’s been in a series of memorable movies, none of which display his acting talent like Redbelt: Amistad, Love Actually, She Hate Me, Children of Men, American Gangster, Serenity. I remember seeing his face, but could never have placed him. Redbelt, however, deserves recognition mainly for Ejiofor’s performance. The character of Mike Terry represents the struggle of humankind, a decision which every adult faces — get a job and make a living or pursue a passion and, quite probably, struggle.

The best moments of this film take place at the end, which I will refrain from spoiling. Let me just say, if the Karate Kid ever inspired a tear to fall from your eye, then Redbelt is not only worth a view, but even two or three. The philosophy behind jujitsu is given proper attention, as a running theme throughout Terry’s personal struggles. It’s not to say the film doesn’t have its loose ends. Mamet’s story includes many strings which I expected to tie together throughout the climax. It was mildly disappointing to find the Tim Allen story line left out in the cold, with no true ending. Peter Travers, of Rolling Stone, put it perfectly in his review: 

At the center of this quiet storm of a movie, beautifully shot by There Will Be Blood Oscar winner Robert Elswit, Ejiofor confirms his status as one of the best actors anywhere. Born in London to Nigerian parents, Ejiofor can do film drama (Dirty Pretty Things) and comedy (Kinky Boots) and win raves onstage (as Othello). The resonant stillness he brings to Redbelt pulls you in. Even allowing for a few slips in pacing and judgment, Mamet is on his game, and that is a sight to see. No con.

In addition to an amazing, and historical, redesign of the classic magazine that is the Rolling Stone, this issue also features some rather interesting letters in response to Matt Taibbi’s controversial article, “Mad Dog Palin.”

I’m a registered Republican, and I must say thanks for waking me the hell up! Matt Taibbi’s article “Mad Dog Palin” is appropriately angry, unflinchingly brutal and highly entertaining. I don’t know who I will vote for, but I damn sure know who I won’t be voting for.
– Joe Stubel, Marietta, GA                       

Taibbi’s article was a concise view of how the Palin candidacy is an outright insult to the intelligence of our country. With McCain inching past the average life expectancy, a Palin presidency is a real possibility. What could be worse than the past eight years? Thanks for showing us.
– Devin McMahon, Keene, NH 

As an Alaskan, I found Taibbi dead-on. If McCain-Palin prevail, we’d better brace ourselves, because we’re certain to get what we deserve.
– Frank Brown, Tucson, AZ 

Taibbi didn’t just hit the nail on the head, he pretty much obliterated the nail. It’s Palin’s lack of qualifications that makes her scary, and it’s Middle America’s response to her Christian-saturated rhetoric that makes her dangerous.
– Kumar Mann, Los Angeles 

Conclusion: Read It. And while you’re over there, read “Make-Believe Maverick” and learn more about the “real” John McCain than you ever expected.

From the sleeve notes to the Factory sampler Palatine.

On ‘Transmission’
I remember leaving a Secret Affair concert at the London Rainbow, oh, during some month or other in 1979, or was it ‘80? Anyway, I’d left early, being an NME critic and all that, and some skinheads attacked me, thinking for some crooked reasons that I was a ‘mod.’ They slashed my mouth with a Stanley knife. I remember crying out, ‘I am not a mod, I am a brave, rigorous and austerely clad fan of Joy Division,’ but they took no notice, and just kicked me a big in the ribs before smartly leaving me to feel sorry for myself. I really did struggle home, and as the blood poured out of me, I spent hours playing and replaying this track, taking it seriously, cursing every ignoramus and ass in the world that didn’t. By morning I’d played it, oh, 50 times, and found that I was writing about Joy Division using words a little like the following: ‘With instinctive unanimity, they hate all firmitas, because it bears witness to a healthiness quite different from theirs, and seek to throw suspicion on firmitas, on conciseness, whilst celebrating a fiery energy of movement, on abundant and delicate play of the muscles. Joy Division have agreed together to invert the nature and names of things and henceforth to speak of health when we see weakness, of sickness and tension when we encounter true health. Why the fuck aren’t they being played ten times a day on Radio One?’ I don’t know why, but people started to say that I took Joy Division just a little too seriously. So what! I had the scars, I felt the holy wrath, and even today when I play this track anywhere up to 50 times a day, I still feel, after everything and after all that, that any number of astonishing things are possible. The greatest song ever written.

– from Joy Division: Piece by Piece, Writing about Joy Division 1977-2007 by Paul Morley